Focus on everything that went right

I tried writing Zoe's birth story, but couldn't. I had to look back four years to my first child's birth.

We were nervous first timers. I was well versed and had read up on what to expect and what to avoid. My husband and I watched the movie about birth in the U.S. titled The Business of Being Born and I was convinced that I wouldn't be one of those women that experienced unplanned interventions. Guess what? I was.

12 hours after walking into the hospital I found myself hooked up to monitors, on pitocin, and numbed from an epidural.  This WAS NOT my birth plan. What went wrong!?

I was a first timer, I feared for the wellbeing of my unborn child, and didn't question what the nurses and doctor suggested. In addition I allowed myself to be in a chaotic environment. My husband and I didn't know any better. Even after watching, reading, and planning, we fell into the trap.

19 hours after walking into the hospital I met my baby, but not the way that I expected. Moments after seeing her I was wheeled away into a recovery room. She was born via cesarean.

The feelings of ineptness and anger weren't immediate, but surfaced months later. I felt like I was robbed of a birth that I so desired. I was robbed of a birth that I was so capable of having. I had to come to terms with my traumatic experience. I had to come to terms with my body's ability to birth. Was it me? Was it the doctors? Was it the interventions? I don't know what went wrong. What I do know is that I cannot change the past. What I can do is let go of the disappointment.

The first few weeks after my daughter's birth were all joy. I had given birth to a beautiful baby even if it wasn't the way that I so deeply desired. So many things went right! My husband stayed in the nursery with her while I recovered. She nursed like a champ as soon as I held her in my arms. So many things went right.

I decided to stop looking at what went wrong, and focus on all the things that went incredibly right. At that moment I stopped being the victim of a broken system. How could I feel like a failure when I gave birth to a healthy little girl? I had to focus on everything that went right, and remember that I was not the problem.

I knew that with a new approach we could have a different outcome. We hired a birth doula, found a supportive birth provider, attended Bradley Method birth classes, labored at home, and controlled our birthing environment. Guess what!? It worked. I'll share my VBAC experience in my next post.