From Defeat to Victory

From the very beginning of my second pregnancy there were several obstacles to overcome. Having had a previous cesarean meant that I had to find a supportive prenatal team that agreed to a vaginal birth. In addition, I had developed painful breast cysts which couldn't be aspirated due to size. When your plan is to breastfeed and you have a cyst located directly behind your areola making it oh so painful to nurse, it made me feel defeated! I weaned my first child when I couldn't stand the pain of it. Detailed below is how I (we) changed the course of things and moved from a position of defeat to that of victory. I use the word we because my husband and I are a team and he was my birth partner, coach, and support. Together we share this victory.

  I learned so much about myself through this process. First off, I learned that I am not easily defeated, but really I already knew that. Defeat, would have been for me to not even attempt to have a natural vaginal birth, and to not attempt to breastfeed because of pain. Defeat wasn't an option.
I found out that I was much stronger than I ever imagined. I discovered that I have an incredibly high tolerance for pain. I mean, seriously, this baby kind of just slid out and, I walked back to my bed afterward. To be honest, I expected the pain to be much worse. When I talk about strength, I also mean a mental strength. Like, when I'm in the zone, do not mess with me, cause great things are going to happen. I learned that when you change your path you can change your destination. I was once again reminded of the power of prayer, and the community that comes with it.


   I also learned so much about my family. They were all very supportive. Not everyone knew what a Doula was, but they asked questions, and respected the path that we wanted. Laboring in a calm environment was important for us, but it meant that we had to voice to our family that we preferred that they wait to come to visit until the following morning.  Labor is a mental game. I didn't want to feel like I was putting on a show for a waiting room full of people.


Remaining calm and focused was critical. To keep the stress down we limited the number of bodies in the room with us. Music was also an important part of the plan. I labored at home to Coldplay's Sky Full of Stars, mainly because it was left near the CD player and our iPod was packed for the hospital. It was perfect because it was still new (to me) and now I play it on repeat because it's become very special. At the hospital we played a 4 year old playlist from Selah's birth. "Let's do this Again" was playing the moment that Zoe was born. Yes, a song that my husband wrote and recorded was playing in the background while our baby was born. Also, could that be the a hint? "It was so much fun, you should totally do it again." No, no... I'll ignore that for now.

From a spiritual point of view, we prayed over everything. This is where the community of prayer comes in. Our friends, family, and church kept us in prayer, and prayed for our specific needs. The ladies at my church and my mother-in-law laid hands on me and prayed for healing from the cysts. I held on tightly to the scripture in Isaiah 53:5 which says, "but he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities' the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." This scriptures refers to both a spiritual and physical healing that we find as believers in Jesus Christ. We claimed victory in Jesus' name and God granted us the desires of our heart.

In the physical, I researched the causes of breast cysts and how to make them go away. I stopped wearing aluminum based antiperspirants which can clog your lymph nodes and began making a natural deodorant. I call it my hippie deodorant. Guess what!? It worked! I am so thankful that I am healed. I am so thankful that the night Zoe was born, I didn't even think twice about nursing her. It was a few days later that I realized that this meant the cysts had shrunk or gone away. God is so awesome! Rather than focus on the bad, I spoke about the situation as if it was already resolved.

I hope that through all this sharing, I can encourage moms and take the fear out of labor. That I can remind families that a couple may not invite you to their birth not because they don't love you, but because they want to work as a unit. I want to remind you ladies about how awesomely perfect our bodies were designed for birthing. Everyone will take their own path when it comes to labor and delivery; and there is no one way to do it. Finding what works for you, and taking the time to prepare for your child's birth can make all the difference. 

One of the best things that we did was take Bradley Method classes. That was where Ryan and I learned techniques that would be useful for pain management. 12 weeks of 2 hour classes is a real sacrifice of your time, but I would recommend these classes to anyone. If you want a natural non-medicated birth, then this is a great place to start.

Hire a doula, make a birth plan... expect the unexpected. Know that God can do great things through you.

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The day that our family of three became a family of four.

V-Day

When Ryan and I first started dating we kept it simple for Valentine's Day. I think it was originally because we didn't have the finances to live it up nor the patience to wait at a restaurant. As a result we developed our own little traditions. 

We spent our first Valentine's Day watching  Hannibal in a theater and eating cheap pizza. Many of our V-Days afterward were spent watching movies and eating pizza. Some years we'd prepare a nice meal at home because, again, we do not want to spend time in over crowded restaurants. I've always enjoyed sharing time in the kitchen with my love, or better yet getting a break from cooking. 

Valentine's Day is about sharing time with the ones you love. I'm not in favor of "Hallmark" holidays, but then again I do like any excuse for a date. Now that we have an older child, our celebration includes her as well. As we planned what to do this year, we considered a hike, but it's sadly already too hot in Southern California. At least it's too hot to carry a three month old along. The only other option was an afternoon at the beach. My eldest Selah was ecstatic! On the ride out she said, "Thank you Papa, thank you Mama, thank you Zoe for taking me to the beach." That moment blessed my heart and brought tears of joy to my eyes. It's those little moments that remind you that you're doing something right.

Our tradition with children will be to spend Valentine's Day creating family memories. To exchange cards reminding each other why and what we love about one another. And since we schedule time for ourselves on other days, this occasion  will be to remind our girls, that we love them.

Zoe's (detailed) Birth Story

The details of this post are written to Zoe. My intention was for her to read it when she's old enough. Since I took the time to write it, I figured it wouldn't hurt to share. Because it would take too long to rewrite in a different tense, I left it alone.

If you want to jump straight to the action, begin reading at 8pm. Hey, birthing takes time. 

Here it is in its original form with added comentary

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Baby Zoe, (no matter how old your are now, you will ALWAYS be my baby) 

Let me start with a few random facts. You were born on a Friday, which happened to be your Dad's day off. Plus, there was a beautiful full moon in the night sky.

2am
 I woke up for my nightly bathroom visit. As soon as I returned to bed and lied down my water broke. Good thing I was prepared and already had a mat under my side of the bed. I called your Dad to let him know what had happened and that tomorrow we would get to meet you. His shift ended at 3 am and we agreed that he should stay until then. I remember telling him that he should go to bed right away because we would need our rest. He did.

8am
The following morning your sister Selah woke me up and asked that I make pancakes for breakfast. Thinking that this might be the last time that I would cook breakfast for a while, I decided to fulfill her request. While I cooked the meal my contractions were progressing, but still well spaced at about every 6-8 minutes. I had to take small breaks during contractions that morning. I rested on the counter as they passed and not a single pancake was burned. Part of our birth plan was to continue our usual routine for as long as we could. That would be what I needed to keep my mind off of laboring so that things could progress naturally.

10:30am
Your Papá had an opportunity to sleep in so that he could be rested and ready to assist in the labor and delivery. I took a nap as soon as he woke up. That may sound strange, except that napping is a way that I manage pain. It was very natural to sleep through it.

1 pm
After my nap, we ate pepperoni pizza. I concluded that I needed a good dose of carbs in preparation of a marathon of a birth. I took another short nap after lunch.

3pm
It was a bit after lunch that the contractions got more intense and I needed to focus. At that point deep breathing through each contraction wasn't enough. We made our way to the loft and got the big workout ball ready. From this time until 6pm when we left for the hospital I labored mostly on the workout ball. It was very comfortable. Contractions progressed until they were 3 minutes apart.

We created a dim and calm environment by turning down the lights and playing Coldplay - Ghost Stories. Every once in a while Selah would turn off the music and play tunes on a toy piano. On other occasions she would turn on the lights. I was able to maintain focus and was amused by her contribution. Your Dad was not equally entertained. I remember a few special details during this time. Papà would rub my back during contractions. One time I was on my knees and leaning over the sofa and I could feel your Dad and Selah rubbing my back. I also felt something on my tummy, it turns out Jilly our dog was cuddling with me as well.

5pm
Our Doula Renae arrives to assess the situation. She monitored your heartbeat and stepped in while your Dad loaded the car and got Selah ready to leave for the hospital. We'd been in communication with her since 2am, but didn't call her in until then.

6pm
We make our way to the hospital. It's a 45 minute drive in Friday evening traffic. A big pillow on my back helps make the ride more manageable.

6:45
We arrive at the hospital and make our way over to labor and delivery.  This was the longest short walk ever! It felt like we had to stop every few feet. Your Tia Vero was already at the hospital waiting for us. She took Selah to eat dinner while I got checked in.

7:30pm
We arrived to the hospital during a shift change which meant that it took awhile to get us into a room and have a nurse see me. Finally a nurse checks my cervix and I'm only 4cm dilated! I'm thinking, really!? That's all? 15 hours and 4cm?

8pm
We send your Tia home with Selah because we figure it's going to be a long time until you arrive. Even though we planned on having your sister at the birth we didn't want for her to get cranky and it was already late.

I'm finally hooked up to an IV! It took 2 nurses and a total of 4 tries but I'm finally placed on antibiotics. I was Strep B positive so the plan was to be on at least 4 hours before the birth. 

8:45pm
Our nurse finally completes the admission process. I'm now unhooked from the contraction and baby heartbeat monitors. I can get out of bed, and I do. I lean over the side of the bed and sway my hips.

9pm
Boy were we wrong in sending your sister home! I asked our Doula to call the nurse because I felt like I needed to push. She and you're Dad agreed that it was too soon and maybe I just had to go to the bathroom. Your Dad walks me to the bathroom, while our Doula goes to find the nurse.

9:08pm
As soon as I squatted to try and sit down I knew that it was time. I looked down, and there was your little head. Your Dad pushed the call button in the bathroom and we both prepared to catch you. Yes, WE caught you! You made your entrance into this world in a hospital bathroom, delivered by your Mom, Dad and Renae our doula. Yup it took a whole lot of hands to catch you.

I'll never forget that moment. It was exhilarating! You were here and you arrived by your own terms. I placed you on my chest and walked back to the room and returned to my bed. The nurses and midwife were still rushing in and watched me walk across the room with a stunned look on their faces. They missed all the action. The Midwife on duty said, "at least I get to deliver the placenta."

We had a wonderful, calm, joyful hour of family time. You got right to nursing!

11:30 pm

When we were finally moved into our room for the night we had trouble getting to sleep right away. We were on a birthing high. We slept after watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. You nursed and cuddled all night. 

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I am so very thankful for this beautiful birth experience. I used the term we several time because really, it's a family experience and we (my husband and I) have this shared experience. Praise God!! I am blessed beyond measure. All of my pregnancy prayers were answered. More on that in the next post.

Focus on everything that went right

I tried writing Zoe's birth story, but couldn't. I had to look back four years to my first child's birth.

We were nervous first timers. I was well versed and had read up on what to expect and what to avoid. My husband and I watched the movie about birth in the U.S. titled The Business of Being Born and I was convinced that I wouldn't be one of those women that experienced unplanned interventions. Guess what? I was.

12 hours after walking into the hospital I found myself hooked up to monitors, on pitocin, and numbed from an epidural.  This WAS NOT my birth plan. What went wrong!?

I was a first timer, I feared for the wellbeing of my unborn child, and didn't question what the nurses and doctor suggested. In addition I allowed myself to be in a chaotic environment. My husband and I didn't know any better. Even after watching, reading, and planning, we fell into the trap.

19 hours after walking into the hospital I met my baby, but not the way that I expected. Moments after seeing her I was wheeled away into a recovery room. She was born via cesarean.

The feelings of ineptness and anger weren't immediate, but surfaced months later. I felt like I was robbed of a birth that I so desired. I was robbed of a birth that I was so capable of having. I had to come to terms with my traumatic experience. I had to come to terms with my body's ability to birth. Was it me? Was it the doctors? Was it the interventions? I don't know what went wrong. What I do know is that I cannot change the past. What I can do is let go of the disappointment.

The first few weeks after my daughter's birth were all joy. I had given birth to a beautiful baby even if it wasn't the way that I so deeply desired. So many things went right! My husband stayed in the nursery with her while I recovered. She nursed like a champ as soon as I held her in my arms. So many things went right.

I decided to stop looking at what went wrong, and focus on all the things that went incredibly right. At that moment I stopped being the victim of a broken system. How could I feel like a failure when I gave birth to a healthy little girl? I had to focus on everything that went right, and remember that I was not the problem.

I knew that with a new approach we could have a different outcome. We hired a birth doula, found a supportive birth provider, attended Bradley Method birth classes, labored at home, and controlled our birthing environment. Guess what!? It worked. I'll share my VBAC experience in my next post.

A New Kind of Shopping

Regular shopping gives me a headache, I don't know why, but it just does. As a teen I had a limited budget (and still do) when it came to shopping for clothing. My limited budget resulted in an affinity for thrift stores because it meant that I could get more for my money and wear original vintage threads that none of my peers had. Loved it! Fast forward 10+years and the story hasn't changed much, except that I've introduced a new kind of shopping into my life. Of course I buy new clothes, but I would much rather give new life to something pre-loved.

I've been doing something for years that I didn't realize was becoming a trend until recently. I love to go shopping, but not by the traditional definition of shopping. I regularly come home with bags of "new" clothing resulting in inquiries from my husband. To which I enthusiastically respond, "I went shopping in my sister's closet." At first I was faced with perplexed expressions, but I think that he likes it now because it means that I get to wear "new to me" clothes without spending any money. I swap clothes with my sisters because when we lived together and shared a room it was only natural. And being the youngest sister I scored on all of their cast offs. So, being separated by life, work, cities and husbands has not ended our tradition.

The best thing about this "shopping" is that after doing it for years I've noticed that it wasn't just my sisters and I doing it. My good friends, sister's friends, friend's sisters and so on have all been swapping clothes. I've received and given clothing that was brand new, but just didn't fit right. During my pregnancy last year I spent next to nothing on maternity clothes because again I was blessed with a bag full of clothing. I'm all about saving money and I don't think that style has to cost a lot. It often just requires a little stitching and reinventing of something that you already have.

My experience got my mind rolling. Thinking, what if I facilitate a swap with my friends and family and the only benefit to me would be more clothes? Hmm. Why haven't I tried this already?

So ladies, join me in my first ever, but not final clothing and accessories swap. There is no cost to you. Simply bring something to swap, something to share and be ready for new clothes and a good time.

It's going down in my living room on Saturday December 3rd at 11:30 am.

Just in case I didn't convince you already here are a few pluses of participating:
-Create more room in your closet
-Spend less money: Shop for free
-Be eco-friendly: less clothes in land fills (reduce, reuse in full effect here)
-Score new threads: freshen up your wardrobe
-You can try a new style with little risk
-Help others: left overs will be donated
-Unlike big time clothes swaps there is no participation fee
-Hang out with some awesome ladies
Be good. Be green. Be Glam!

The Rules:
Bring clothes, shoes and accessories that are in good shape (trust me you will be more critical than others, if it's still wearable/useable then bring it)
Bring a pastry to share
Email me at sunnyvette@msn.com and I'll send you the address.

If this goes well we'll do it again just in time for Spring and include stuff for the guys and kids. I can't wait!

Reflections of a First Time Mommy

This has been such an eventful first year (as a mommy.)

I'm usually a softy when it comes to having an opinion about something, because I feel that my opinion could shift as my experiences change. And so it was with being a mom.

There are two things that I feel so strongly about now. Breastfeeding and cloth diapering! I was a breastfeed baby and knew that it was something that I absolutely wanted to do. I just never realized that my opinion would shift so strongly about it. I am passionate about nursing!

This year has been a real wake up call. Society thinks and projects upon new moms that bottle feeding is the way to go. Even in the 19th century if a women could not nurse, she would then hire a "wet nurse." Along with the industrial age so came the introduction of baby formula. (that's the historian in me) I understand the liberty that comes along with bottle feeding... You can leave your baby easily. I can only go as far away as the frozen breast milk supply in my fridge will permit. But I love the amazing bond that Selah and I have.... it goes beyond the bottle. Breast feeding is emotionally and physically good for both mommy and baby. One year in and I couldn't see myself weaning her. I love the bonding that takes place in those little intimate moments of feeding my baby.

Getting to where were are today took time. I experienced the uncomfortable glances of men and women even while covered up to nurse. I also changed my opinion about that. Hello, women have been doing it for centuries and it IS normal. Little boys wouldn't giggle if society wasn't so perverted. My breast were created to provide food for my baby. God made it that way, and we perverted it into something sexual. It took a little getting used to, but now I'm comfortable feeding my baby anywhere- people will have to get over it. Seeing other women live it out helped me to get to where I am today. Now, I'm so crazy that I pump and drive- ask me about that if you dare?

I'm thrilled that we are one year in and Selah is a 100% breast milk fed.

Now about cloth diapering. It's hard for me to comprehend how many disposable diapers go into landfills. A single baby will use 3,000 + diapers a year, (jaw dropping).

Cloth is totally better for the earth and the baby. In addition, disposable diapers contain harmful chemicals that can effect your baby. Did I mention that cloth diapers are super cute!? Did you know that CD babies potty train earlier than other babies? That's reason enough. Not to mention the amount of $$$ that you'll save by using cloth diapers. At one year old our baby wakes up in the morning and goes in her potty, after naps she does the same. In all honesty I haven't changed a poopy diaper in a few days. I call Selah my incredi-baby. Cause that is, uh, incredible! I'm sure she'll appreciate me sharing this when she's a teen. As a parent, shouldn't we want what is best for our little one even if it's not convenient?

Again, we received some resistance regarding cloth diapering. Some people couldn't understand why I would want to deal with my baby's poop. Uh, cause I have to and really we all should be. I'm happy with my choice and just the fact that my baby poops and pees in a toilet at 12 months is reason enough for me to do it again.

Bottom line, I'm thrilled to have gone down the path that I did. Being a mommy is awesome, especially when you have an incredi-baby like Selah! I want my baby to live in a world that goes back to basics; where babies eat from the source (mommy's breast.) And only if nursing is absolutely impossible will babies be supplemented. I want my Selah to grow up in a world that is cleaner, safer and reduces the introduction of chemicals to our purest, littlest, innocent babies.

Breastfeeding and Cloth Diapering - Don't knock it until you try it. They really rock!

Xavier is

I am always amazed about a my favorite kid's development. Children change so quickly, but their personality is ever present at a very young age. My nephew Xavier just recently turned 4 and he is quiet a character! He plays a funny game that includes mixing up his Aunt and Uncle's names just to give them a hard time. Of course he's a comedian like his Dad. It has been suck a pleasure watching him grow up. Check out these pictures of him being himself during his 4 year old photo session...